My Two Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The barman asks him, "what are ya drinking?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the barman brings him three pints and the man begins to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more pints.

The barman says, "Now, I know you like them cold but don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on your drink and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh one."

The Irish man says, "Its not that. You see I have two brothers, one in France and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Friday night we'd still drink a pint together. So right now, my brothers have three pints too, and we're drinking together as a family.

The barman thought that was a great thing to do.
Every week the man came in and ordered three pints of beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two pints.
He drank them down and then ordered two more.
The barman said to him, "I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers must have died."

The man said, "Oh, my brothers are fine----I'm just on the wagon."
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Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had way too much to drink is driving home from Cork one night and his car is weaving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "Sir," said the cop, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub of course," replies the drunk.

"Sir," says the cop, "it appears like you've had a lot to drink tonight." "I did all right," the drunk mumbles with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a mile back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank goodness," slurs the drunk.
"For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Stopped For Speeding

An Irish priest is driving to West Chicago and gets stopped for speeding near O'Hare Airport. The cop can smell alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the back seat. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The cop says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks back at the wine bottle and says,
"Oh My Lord! He's done it again!"
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The Wife

O'Malley walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a small jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were gone, the Irishman started to get up to leave.

"Can I asked you something?," said a customer, who was confused over what O'Malley had done. "What was that all about with the jar and the olives?"

"Oh," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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The Devil

John O'Leary came home drunk every evening around eleven.
Of Course, the Wife was not too happy about it.
One night she hides in the graveyard and plans to scare the heck out of him.
As John staggers by, she jumps out from behind a tombstone in a red devil costume yelling, "John O'Leary, sure if you don't give up drinking it's off to Hell I'll take ya'".
John staggered back and asked, "Who the hell are YOU?".
Too that the Wife replied, "I'm the devil you damned old drunk".
To which O'Leary responded,
"Well glad to meet you, I'm married to your sister."
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Drunk Needs a Push Joke
A man is in bed with his wife when there is bang on the door. He turns over and looks at his alarm clock, and it's four in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time at 4am," he thinks to himself, and puts his head back down on the pillow. Then, a louder bang follows.
"Aren't you going to answer the door?" asks his wife.
So he pulls himself out of bed and walks down the stairs. He opens up the door and there is man standing on the porch. It was plain to see the man was drunk.
"Hello," slurs the man outside. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, go away. It's four in the morning. I was in bed asleep," said the man and slams the door shut. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the rain on the way to my mothers and you had to knock on some man's house to get our car started again? What would have happened if he'd told you to get lost??"
"But this guy is drunk," said the husband.
"It doesn't matter if he's drunk," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband gets back out of bed, gets dressed and goes back down the stairs.
He opens up the door, and he can't see the stranger anywhere so he shouts, "Hey, do you still need a push??"
And he hears a voice say, "Yes, please."
He still can't see the stranger so he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger responds, "I'm over here, on the swing."